what are friends for? :)

The expected turns up unfortunately! But when I really had to come face to face with the ‘already known answer’, I never knew I’d be so strong. He would just go on and on about it. Trying to put the harsh fact in the mildest way possible. But all I could register in my head was that it was something which I had already thought of. At the beginning I felt numb. No reaction what so ever, just sitting with the cell on my ears. He’s speaking, trying to make me feel better, and saying something which I could barely understand. I tried to listen to him...but all that I could do was hear what he was saying. Later I tell him that it’s okay and I never expected anything great anyways. We cut the line and I’m still stunned. Compared to yesterday, I was more composed today. All ready to accept anything that comes my way. A few awkward minutes passed as I sat there motionless and emotionless. Felt as if time stood still and the floor has just broken apart from underneath my feet.

Later, after few minutes or so, I was back to normal. Calm and composed. Back to my normal nature. I never knew that I could take it. I feel great about that. I have much more in me than what I thought I possess. Now it all feels like a dream. Once again I would really love to thank one of my friend who was always with me throughout the previous day. He had been my only support. In fact, the sense of stability in me came in just because of him. He was with me, right next to me just when I needed him. Unlike other friends who just give a word as to staying with you and helping you forever and all shit... just for the sake of it. But this guy was just amazing! He knows what to tell, he knows when to tell, he knows the exactly the thing I want to hear, he knows exactly how I feel and what would make me feel better.

I’d never want to lose you. You mean a lot to me. So much that I’m practically blogging about you! When no one was there with me, you were the one who always supported me. Thank you so much! I don’t think I can ever make it up to you! You know yourself that you will always be SPECIAL for me. i can never forget you...love you...

hope...anxiety...nervousness...!!! love????

As I mentioned last blog, I always felt it safe to stay away from love and all crap. But I guess my fate had something else written down for me. My heart has pushed me into the hole of uncertain love again...This day never seems to come to an end. Every time my cell vibrates, it gives me an unnecessary chill through my spine. I opened my eyes in the morning to think about him the next second... There is this unwonted fear in me which is tearing me apart. This fear is taken over me. I’m not sure about his reply to what I disclosed to him yesterday...It felt as if a huge weight was removed from my shoulders after I told him what I felt about him...Since the time I woke up till now I’m unable to behave like usual... Taking into consideration his behaviour, nature and this endless time he’s taking to come to a conclusion, it feels as if the answer is gonna be negative. And I’m NOT ready to face that...

I can’t possibly take another ‘no’ ... It’s just too much on me. If that ever happens it’s gonna be the second time. Getting me together in the first time was hell of a job... I don’t think I can take another one...At least not so fast! I don’t understand what made me tell him my feeling for him... I just should have shut my bloody mouth... But it’s done already. I can’t gather the courage to face his ‘no’... Maybe I’m over reacting. Because there are chances of him saying a ‘yes’ too... But I just can’t stop thinking about anything else but a negative reply from him. He has always been in my head. It’s been nearly a year that he’s in my mind. Every time he comes in front of me, a little flutter comes up in my tummy which causes me to grin continuously without any reason what-so-ever... My heart beats at such a fast rate that I can feel it pumping in my chest... I find myself searching for words when I’ve to talk to him whereas I keep chatting continuously when he’s not around. There is always few slip of tongues from my side when his voice reaches my ear. I start to stammer in front of him. Unable to express anything to him... Maybe it’s good that I told him... At least he would be aware of what goes through me when he walks through the door...He’s got into me like a drug or something...

Unfortunately I couldn’t gather the courage to tell him all this that I’ve mentioned above. I’m very bad at expressing my feelings to others... I can see the drawback of that now. I was not able to tell him anything when I had so much to tell him. As usual I got shut as soon as I heard his voice... He is supposed to tell me his so called ‘final hearing’ tonight through call... And I’m somehow sure about his decision... I doubt I’d even pick up his call... Maybe I will again go shut listening to his voice. As I said, I feel this day is not ending at all. The day is moving and at the same time it’s increasing the anxiety level in me. What does he think of me? Does he think of me the same or at least close to what I think of him? He’s always in my head...but do I even cross his mind? At least once? I guess the answer to all these questions will come tonight... It’s the call which I don’t want to answer...But have to answer... this is exhausting...!!!

Well, As I said before, HOPE FOR THE BEST....

random thoughts..!!

Well, no great reason to blog... Nothing that special going on... Just an update because I’m too bored...

Well...One year of college has just passed on so quick that before anything can even get registered, it’s done! I’ve made great pals out there. Something I thought I’d never be able to do. Maybe I’ve got a tag of being too outspoken. But i kind of like that. Expressing what you think of a person right on his face instead of keeping it as a mystery to him and faking. I personally can’t fake at all. If i like a person i show it...and the same works visa versa. Complete opposite of what i used to be in school...an introvert.. It’s a memory..or precisely, a nightmare which always keeps lingering to me. A very weird past which takes most of me... But yeah, it has helped me a lot too.. Anyways! This aint about my past... it’s always gonna be about today...the present and the future...

Most of the people in college are double faced...Can’t be trusted easily... I know I shouldn’t be speaking about all these when I’m the one practically living around them. At the start it was hard for me to face them. It was surprising or rather shocking as to watch people behave like an angel in front of me and turn into a devil or worse than that when I’m not around. Everyone out there is only in search of some hot gossip to spread... :) well...Maybe that’s how college life is... Complicated...

The worst or maybe the best part of college life comes in is when the stupid phrase ‘love ’enters... From the very beginning I’ve been against love... Since it used to only create more and more of destruction and havoc in my life. Even then I had the guts to play around with myself and fall for some one... well, not actually falling... I came close to falling for someone.. :P before I could go overboard with my feelings, it got smashed terrifyingly.. Nothing new for me... the only thing new in this was that it happened before I could actually get serious about him... anyways, that is past too... now we are like good friends... ‘Good friends’ didn’t really work with me at the start... it took hell lot of time and energy to get used to things as ‘just good friends’ ... but later, I DID IT! That’s what matters at the end...

finally! No more whining for him... no more confused state of mind and no more jealousy...

 jealousy is another feeling that can nearly “KILL YOU”.... Trust me... I went closest to getting myself killed... anyways... I’m alive and blogging right now...

And here I am...once again...against love... just because I fear heartbreaks... it’s a hard truth...everybody knows that things have to end some day or the other... sometimes fast, sometimes slow... we can count on our fingertips as to how many couples actually continued their life ‘together’ till the end...

This is just my way of looking at stuff...nothing is really generalized in what i said... people have their own opinions... and I respect all of them... I believe that everyone has a right to think and put forth what they have to say about various issues...

When my friends are in love and they speak to me about it, I find it very cute and sweet... it’s very funny how people change when they get into a relationship!! ... Like any other girl, I’m always ready to help in such issues even after not having any experience... I have never felt jealous that I am not in a relationship... looking at the bright side of things makes it much more easier and comfortable to deal with... as of now I’ve again got myself trapped in this stupid love... and as usual I’m unable to get out of it... I see that daydreaming is one biggggg huge side effect of love... its pure distraction... well... let’s see how this love story of mine proceeds... I surely would love to know my future if things are gonna develop more than a one sided crush... well...as usual I have no great high hopes...

Anyhow... i find it  funny as to how much time one can spend thinking of ONLY ONE person throughout the day... it used to never make sense to me before... nor is it making any sense to me now even though I’m practically doing it... THIS IS A WIERD LIFE!!! Anyways...i guess that’s it for now...let’s just hope for the best...  :)

a small gesture of love is enough to break all barriers of hate.. :)

Sometimes all that it takes is a small word against you to turn up the anger in you. Some days are really bad...but some are wonderful..Only when you face those bad days do u realize the happiness which the good days bring...

Well, today was one of those bad days for me. Exams were on... its but obvious that you tend to get all tenst up and nervous. This tension itself takes you to a world of complete irritation. Two papers one after the other felt like Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombing on me. Two of the worst papers on planet earth! I expected a lot from the papers but turned out to be completely opposite. The papers were done at 2:30...I should have realized that it was just the beginning of my horrific day.

Next terror awaiting me was in the bus stop. Well, the purse I adored from the bottom of my heart got stolen. I felt half dead. Numbness is the only thing I could sense in my whole body... All this got into me which gave rise to miserable splitting head ache. It felt as if time stood still. Weird to feel all this just for a purse.. I wasn’t even worried about the money in the purse. All that bothered me was that i lost my purse which i loved!

The last thing that I had to face was my past! Today was just so wrong! I tried my best to avoid the jerk about whom I spoke in my 1st blog. But no, everything that shouldn’t happen was supposed to happen today. So, as expected...he comes up to talk to me..Even those few minuets of talking to him got me crazy!! He was the last thing I wanted to see today!!!!

The only place I can go with all these problems is my house. Well, bless my mom to be at home today! The 1st thing i wanted was a tight hug from her to regain the lost life in me. Surprisingly she wasn’t mad at me. According to her, only by making such mistakes can I improve myself. Well, I don’t disagree with her... She somehow has the ability to bring back the lost me...

She could see how sad I was. Even though I didn’t show it out..She asked me to take a nap and regain the lost energy..She as usual went off for shopping. Now she is out...She just texted me to check the bag which is kept close to the shoe rack..The best and sweetest thing that I could ever see today cropped up..Wrapped  in a plastic cover was another purse which looks exactly the same as my older one!!!
This small gesture of care is more than enough for me to forget every stupid thing that has happened with me today! The only thing that I can realize now is that I have one person with me...who cares for me immensely...I promise that I will never let you down mom... I always have always respected you and always will....LOVE YOU MOM  :)

COLLEGE LIFE!!

Well...the 1st few days were filled with exitement. Bunking was something i had never done in school...thats why it was something really different for me..I always wanted to know why people loved bunking, I wanted to know what they did after bunking. I was eagerly waiting for college to start because of the fun people have in there...I used to be somehow really proud to say that i am in college. My inner mind will speak.."ïm finally out of school!! i'm finally out of the strict environment! i can do whatever i want! i get freedom...in short...ive grown up!! "But then one has to wake up from his dream someday or the other..!! There are two sides of a coin...college can be real fun,but at the same time it can be realllyyyyy horrible....
After a few days of college...i came to terms with things going around me.Everything was confusing and freaking me out.Whatever was happening around me was completely new and different.For a few days i felt so lost in between 120 students!!! I didnt know how to use the newly got freedom.All of a sudden I understood what 'growing up' means...its not that fun after all! Various responsibilities croped up on me.
The teachers dont care a damn for you like what the teachers in school used to do.I mean,they dont even try to mingle with the students!!! All the teachers have this standard work to do in college... 1-enter the class...2-blabber something really stupid...3-and leave the class by putting the students to sleep....Thats when i understood the importance of 'bunking'!! Its better to sit outside college in the buring afternoon heat with your friends rather than get into the world of boredom sitting infront of a teacher who dosent care a shit about you...Some of the teachers are just not supposed to be where they are....Bunking is fun...no doubt...but later the concequences you have to face is terrible!! Its like offering a child her favorite chocolate and taking it away before the kid could even taste it...!!

The only thing that keeps you going those few hours of torture are the FRIENDS you have!! Without them I bet I will end up in coma....seriously!! Actually speaking...there is hardly anything good about college other than making new friends....My college somehow didnt satisfy my expectations...but anyhow..i try to keep myself happy with the things i have..Students from other colleges(colleges which are not as strict as my college is) keep telling me how unlucky I am to end up in this college..they tell me I dont have a college life to enjoy..Everytime I try to see something bright about college life..one ass surely comes up telling me how unlucky i am to study in such a strict college...and eventually pull me down again.. :\  Well...there are always such jerks.............afterall...its the truth...and its bitter....anyways,this is getting more and more intresting.Everyday is different and complicated...hmmm...maybe this is how it is supposed to be.
The worst or maybe the best part of college life still awaits me...if you didnt get that..it means that ive yet to fall in love..anyways..ciao for now..lets hope everything goes fine in college and things settle down.. :)

1st day of college!!!!!!

Like any other teenager,I had high hopes for college!!! Talking about college really exited the hell outta me!! And the last 6 months made me more desprate to go to college.FINALLYYYYY!!! The day came!! My 1st day of college!! one part of me was damn worried if i could actually come out of my shell and talk to unknown people...My girl friends would deciede among themselves what to wear for the 1st day. But i am not one of those sorts. I suddenly started getting a feeling if im different from them..I mean,what intrests girls mainly is not of any great intrest to me...Anyways...where were we,the college....yeahh!!
To start it off....I was soo worried and tenst for the 1st day......... that i caught the wrong bus.. (O_o) That gave me even more of tension. My college was supposed to start at 12 15pm and it was already 11 30pm..and i had not yet got a bus. Finally,I caught a rickshaw...The great indian traffic got me into more of a pannic! Even Kane West coudent help me out with his songs.. :P To add on to the tension and fustration,it started to rain...................(+_+) Wht else could have happened to ruin my day??!!!??!! I didnt want to be late for my 1st lecture in college...and luckily i wasent!!!!!! I still cant believe how i could reach there at 12 !! Huffing and puffing i entered class...
One of my fears of making friends with new people broke apart!!! Im really happy about that!! I cant believe that ive made sooo many  friends in just one day...! Finally i can say that ive broken out from my shell. I can easily speak to now people and make friends!! The teachers were one hell of a pain!! All of them enter the class saying the same old story,"do not bunk any lecture. 11th std is very important.Behave in the college.Be up to date with all that we teach you.Do not play around with your life at 11th.Concentrate on studies...."and it goes on and on and on and on .......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well,it will take a bit of time to get accostomed to their way of teaching...but it was funn.. (^_^) I love my classroom aloootttt!!! Its really big and airy. Space to breathe!!! Its something that ive not seen in my schooldays..maybe thats why i find it soo different,intresting and amusing :D ..I sometimes wonder why do the colleges have such big classrooms when students are gonna bunk?? I mean,half of the classroom is empty...Well,whatever it is...Im really happy to have a good start..I just hope my college days will go on this way...with mannny more friends!!! Im loving this aloott!! Finally im satisfied that i have come out of my shell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! :D

the best of the "6 months"i had...!!

At start,things were looking very exiting!! I had made great plans for my vacations!! My to do list looked something like this:
1- gotta loose weight!!
2- start with drawing
3- remove flab from your body.....
4- enjoy with friends
5- SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I must say i could surely complete some parts of my to do list...I could complete my point no. 2,4 and 5!!
The best part of my vacations were that i could sleep for hours and hours together without my mom shouting at me "wake up!! you've to study for your exams!!" I would roam around with my frnds the rest of the day. And the remaining time will be spent on facebook. :P Life felt like heaven to me!!! Carefree life!! i loved it that way..!! But this was the 1st phase of my "6 months"vacations...

In the second part of the vacations...things started to get boring! Everyone will have their status update as "damn bored of being bored." A sedentary kinda life got me to gain more weight...thats the worst part of the vacations!! Everyone was gonig through the sameee bored feeling...This was the time when i met many new friends. Though they were online friends,they made(even now make) really good pals!!! This was the period when i started making brotherly relations with guys. I started getting really possesive about one of my "so called brother"and he turned out to be the biggest jerk in the whole wide world!! But yeah..to cover it up for him,i had made another sweet brother. He's mature enough and can totally understand me. Ive made many more awesome friends!!!!!! I love all my friends alottt!! They mean alot to me. Friends were the only thing that made life a bit interesting for me in this 2nd phase of the vacations....

The 3rd phase of the vacations started with boredom as usual...but for me,life changed drastically! Life took a completely new turn! No one was even prepared for it. A sudden attack took away my grandmom. I was already half killed with my jerky brother's attitude. This completely devastated me. It was hard to pull myself back and move on with life. I had my sister to support. I can never see her cry. I never cried jst so that i could help her out of her lonliness. But yeah.. you have no other option but get strong and move on. This part of my vacations was filled with only confusion!! I suddenly had to do many other jobs which i never had done in my life before! Its like, everything is comming right at you...all together and strong!! It was hard to manage at start.But now,im completely stabalized. I knw wht i am doing. I know to do many more jobs than facebook and sleeping. :D

in short..these 6 months have made me a much more stronger person!! Ive lernt to move on,Ive lernt to let go,ive lernt to do some work and the best of all...ive started learning for ARCHITECTURE!! Im damn serious about my architecture. Ive never been so serious before in my whole lifetime!! It means alot to me. It means more than my friends to me. Afterall,when i didnt have my friends ... all that i had with me was my art..I can never possibly let go of it!!