As I mentioned last blog, I always felt it safe to stay away from love and all crap. But I guess my fate had something else written down for me. My heart has pushed me into the hole of uncertain love again...This day never seems to come to an end. Every time my cell vibrates, it gives me an unnecessary chill through my spine. I opened my eyes in the morning to think about him the next second... There is this unwonted fear in me which is tearing me apart. This fear is taken over me. I’m not sure about his reply to what I disclosed to him yesterday...It felt as if a huge weight was removed from my shoulders after I told him what I felt about him...Since the time I woke up till now I’m unable to behave like usual... Taking into consideration his behaviour, nature and this endless time he’s taking to come to a conclusion, it feels as if the answer is gonna be negative. And I’m NOT ready to face that...
I can’t possibly take another ‘no’ ... It’s just too much on me. If that ever happens it’s gonna be the second time. Getting me together in the first time was hell of a job... I don’t think I can take another one...At least not so fast! I don’t understand what made me tell him my feeling for him... I just should have shut my bloody mouth... But it’s done already. I can’t gather the courage to face his ‘no’... Maybe I’m over reacting. Because there are chances of him saying a ‘yes’ too... But I just can’t stop thinking about anything else but a negative reply from him. He has always been in my head. It’s been nearly a year that he’s in my mind. Every time he comes in front of me, a little flutter comes up in my tummy which causes me to grin continuously without any reason what-so-ever... My heart beats at such a fast rate that I can feel it pumping in my chest... I find myself searching for words when I’ve to talk to him whereas I keep chatting continuously when he’s not around. There is always few slip of tongues from my side when his voice reaches my ear. I start to stammer in front of him. Unable to express anything to him... Maybe it’s good that I told him... At least he would be aware of what goes through me when he walks through the door...He’s got into me like a drug or something...
Unfortunately I couldn’t gather the courage to tell him all this that I’ve mentioned above. I’m very bad at expressing my feelings to others... I can see the drawback of that now. I was not able to tell him anything when I had so much to tell him. As usual I got shut as soon as I heard his voice... He is supposed to tell me his so called ‘final hearing’ tonight through call... And I’m somehow sure about his decision... I doubt I’d even pick up his call... Maybe I will again go shut listening to his voice. As I said, I feel this day is not ending at all. The day is moving and at the same time it’s increasing the anxiety level in me. What does he think of me? Does he think of me the same or at least close to what I think of him? He’s always in my head...but do I even cross his mind? At least once? I guess the answer to all these questions will come tonight... It’s the call which I don’t want to answer...But have to answer... this is exhausting...!!!
Well, As I said before, HOPE FOR THE BEST....
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