what are friends for? :)

The expected turns up unfortunately! But when I really had to come face to face with the ‘already known answer’, I never knew I’d be so strong. He would just go on and on about it. Trying to put the harsh fact in the mildest way possible. But all I could register in my head was that it was something which I had already thought of. At the beginning I felt numb. No reaction what so ever, just sitting with the cell on my ears. He’s speaking, trying to make me feel better, and saying something which I could barely understand. I tried to listen to him...but all that I could do was hear what he was saying. Later I tell him that it’s okay and I never expected anything great anyways. We cut the line and I’m still stunned. Compared to yesterday, I was more composed today. All ready to accept anything that comes my way. A few awkward minutes passed as I sat there motionless and emotionless. Felt as if time stood still and the floor has just broken apart from underneath my feet.

Later, after few minutes or so, I was back to normal. Calm and composed. Back to my normal nature. I never knew that I could take it. I feel great about that. I have much more in me than what I thought I possess. Now it all feels like a dream. Once again I would really love to thank one of my friend who was always with me throughout the previous day. He had been my only support. In fact, the sense of stability in me came in just because of him. He was with me, right next to me just when I needed him. Unlike other friends who just give a word as to staying with you and helping you forever and all shit... just for the sake of it. But this guy was just amazing! He knows what to tell, he knows when to tell, he knows the exactly the thing I want to hear, he knows exactly how I feel and what would make me feel better.

I’d never want to lose you. You mean a lot to me. So much that I’m practically blogging about you! When no one was there with me, you were the one who always supported me. Thank you so much! I don’t think I can ever make it up to you! You know yourself that you will always be SPECIAL for me. i can never forget you...love you...

hope...anxiety...nervousness...!!! love????

As I mentioned last blog, I always felt it safe to stay away from love and all crap. But I guess my fate had something else written down for me. My heart has pushed me into the hole of uncertain love again...This day never seems to come to an end. Every time my cell vibrates, it gives me an unnecessary chill through my spine. I opened my eyes in the morning to think about him the next second... There is this unwonted fear in me which is tearing me apart. This fear is taken over me. I’m not sure about his reply to what I disclosed to him yesterday...It felt as if a huge weight was removed from my shoulders after I told him what I felt about him...Since the time I woke up till now I’m unable to behave like usual... Taking into consideration his behaviour, nature and this endless time he’s taking to come to a conclusion, it feels as if the answer is gonna be negative. And I’m NOT ready to face that...

I can’t possibly take another ‘no’ ... It’s just too much on me. If that ever happens it’s gonna be the second time. Getting me together in the first time was hell of a job... I don’t think I can take another one...At least not so fast! I don’t understand what made me tell him my feeling for him... I just should have shut my bloody mouth... But it’s done already. I can’t gather the courage to face his ‘no’... Maybe I’m over reacting. Because there are chances of him saying a ‘yes’ too... But I just can’t stop thinking about anything else but a negative reply from him. He has always been in my head. It’s been nearly a year that he’s in my mind. Every time he comes in front of me, a little flutter comes up in my tummy which causes me to grin continuously without any reason what-so-ever... My heart beats at such a fast rate that I can feel it pumping in my chest... I find myself searching for words when I’ve to talk to him whereas I keep chatting continuously when he’s not around. There is always few slip of tongues from my side when his voice reaches my ear. I start to stammer in front of him. Unable to express anything to him... Maybe it’s good that I told him... At least he would be aware of what goes through me when he walks through the door...He’s got into me like a drug or something...

Unfortunately I couldn’t gather the courage to tell him all this that I’ve mentioned above. I’m very bad at expressing my feelings to others... I can see the drawback of that now. I was not able to tell him anything when I had so much to tell him. As usual I got shut as soon as I heard his voice... He is supposed to tell me his so called ‘final hearing’ tonight through call... And I’m somehow sure about his decision... I doubt I’d even pick up his call... Maybe I will again go shut listening to his voice. As I said, I feel this day is not ending at all. The day is moving and at the same time it’s increasing the anxiety level in me. What does he think of me? Does he think of me the same or at least close to what I think of him? He’s always in my head...but do I even cross his mind? At least once? I guess the answer to all these questions will come tonight... It’s the call which I don’t want to answer...But have to answer... this is exhausting...!!!

Well, As I said before, HOPE FOR THE BEST....

random thoughts..!!

Well, no great reason to blog... Nothing that special going on... Just an update because I’m too bored...

Well...One year of college has just passed on so quick that before anything can even get registered, it’s done! I’ve made great pals out there. Something I thought I’d never be able to do. Maybe I’ve got a tag of being too outspoken. But i kind of like that. Expressing what you think of a person right on his face instead of keeping it as a mystery to him and faking. I personally can’t fake at all. If i like a person i show it...and the same works visa versa. Complete opposite of what i used to be in school...an introvert.. It’s a memory..or precisely, a nightmare which always keeps lingering to me. A very weird past which takes most of me... But yeah, it has helped me a lot too.. Anyways! This aint about my past... it’s always gonna be about today...the present and the future...

Most of the people in college are double faced...Can’t be trusted easily... I know I shouldn’t be speaking about all these when I’m the one practically living around them. At the start it was hard for me to face them. It was surprising or rather shocking as to watch people behave like an angel in front of me and turn into a devil or worse than that when I’m not around. Everyone out there is only in search of some hot gossip to spread... :) well...Maybe that’s how college life is... Complicated...

The worst or maybe the best part of college life comes in is when the stupid phrase ‘love ’enters... From the very beginning I’ve been against love... Since it used to only create more and more of destruction and havoc in my life. Even then I had the guts to play around with myself and fall for some one... well, not actually falling... I came close to falling for someone.. :P before I could go overboard with my feelings, it got smashed terrifyingly.. Nothing new for me... the only thing new in this was that it happened before I could actually get serious about him... anyways, that is past too... now we are like good friends... ‘Good friends’ didn’t really work with me at the start... it took hell lot of time and energy to get used to things as ‘just good friends’ ... but later, I DID IT! That’s what matters at the end...

finally! No more whining for him... no more confused state of mind and no more jealousy...

 jealousy is another feeling that can nearly “KILL YOU”.... Trust me... I went closest to getting myself killed... anyways... I’m alive and blogging right now...

And here I am...once again...against love... just because I fear heartbreaks... it’s a hard truth...everybody knows that things have to end some day or the other... sometimes fast, sometimes slow... we can count on our fingertips as to how many couples actually continued their life ‘together’ till the end...

This is just my way of looking at stuff...nothing is really generalized in what i said... people have their own opinions... and I respect all of them... I believe that everyone has a right to think and put forth what they have to say about various issues...

When my friends are in love and they speak to me about it, I find it very cute and sweet... it’s very funny how people change when they get into a relationship!! ... Like any other girl, I’m always ready to help in such issues even after not having any experience... I have never felt jealous that I am not in a relationship... looking at the bright side of things makes it much more easier and comfortable to deal with... as of now I’ve again got myself trapped in this stupid love... and as usual I’m unable to get out of it... I see that daydreaming is one biggggg huge side effect of love... its pure distraction... well... let’s see how this love story of mine proceeds... I surely would love to know my future if things are gonna develop more than a one sided crush... well...as usual I have no great high hopes...

Anyhow... i find it  funny as to how much time one can spend thinking of ONLY ONE person throughout the day... it used to never make sense to me before... nor is it making any sense to me now even though I’m practically doing it... THIS IS A WIERD LIFE!!! Anyways...i guess that’s it for now...let’s just hope for the best...  :)